Suicide Notes to Myself
by Leilagrace
Summary: Oneshot. Takes place during New Moon. Bella writes a song about her feelings. I rated T just in case...not sure how 9-13 yr olds would react.


I do not own Twilight. I do own the lyrics to the song...

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BPOV

I didn't know why I was doing this to myself. I was just as masochistic as the one that left me. I invited this horrible misery in by coming here.

I felt drawn here. I needed to be here. I could live here forever, wallowing in my grief. I stood on the front step of this huge house for a long time, staring.

I walked into _his_ familiar home. I walked directly to _his _closet and sat down. I could faintly smell his glorious scent. I had grabbed a notebook and pen on the way here. I was going to do something, not quite sure what. I stared at the blank page for a while. Then I began to write. Tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I picked and choose each word with care.

_ I feel so low, so down, so sick, so sore__. __Will I ever feel better? Will I ever get over the tragedy of my life? Or will I just let go? Can I just let go? _

_ Oh, this is a suicide note to myself. The old me has suffered and cried for long enough. Now she just wants to die. The body might live on but the soul will die. Suicide notes to myself. _

_ The days all start the same, with bitterness and no gain. Can I go on? No, no, no. Not like this, I refuse. I must die so I can once again enjoy life. But am I brave enough to go on when I am __down and so alone? What is good and what is bad. Who am I? Am I here or am I gone? Sweet and sour, happy and sad, light and darkness all contrast. Is that what I am to become? _

_ Oh, this is a suicide note to myself. The old me has suffered and cried for long enough. Now she just wants to die. The body might live on but the soul must change. Suicide notes to myself. _

_ Death is not all its cracked up to be. Life might be a bore, but this ain't free. Maybe I should allow myself to come back to life, but oh! I am so confused and feel so alone. Sounds and lights all spoke me now. Can I ever recover from this day? Suicide notes to myself._

_ Maybe I can work it out one step at a time. My body will live and my soul will thrive, just as along as my will stays alive. No longer do I want to run or hide. Let's face this trail and have some fun. This ain't a suicide note to myself. Oh no. _

_ This is a love note to my old self. I will claim myself once again. I will bring myself to hold my memories. I will smile and laugh and hold on tight to the everlasting light. This is no longer my dying self. Life has conquered every doubt. Love notes to myself._

I stared at the page. I thought of a tune. This was a song which I could never use. Yet, it felt good to get it all off my chest. I didn't want to live, but I couldn't want to die. I realized I wanted to be me again and I didn't want to change who I was. I just wanted to get over this pain, but I was alone. I really didn't know how.

I needed him more than anything else. I needed to get over what had happened that fateful night. He didn't love me anymore. Yet, I was still completely captivated with him. I was still undeniably and unconditionally in love with him. I couldn't have him, but I would never forget him. Maybe someday I would find him and convince him to love me again.

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Hello,

(*gasp* I said hello in English!)

Ok, first I am not and never have been suicidial. I could never take my own life. However, I wrote the song a long time ago (after my mom died) and I actually have a reccording of it somewhere around here. Hmmm *goes to find it* Grumble *can't seem to find it* Sigh *gives up on looking*

This is actually a section to another story I wrote, I just added some stuff to fit Bella/Edward. So, yeah. Hope you all enjoyed this. Reveiws are nice, of course. This is a oneshot though.

Anyways, This was just a copy and paste/ heavy editting thing. Alexandra almost laughed when I told her what I needed help with. (Alex note: I actually did laugh. Laugh my head off. Catalina is absolutely hilarious when she is disabled.)

Will be updating the other story as soon as Alex gets the time.

Bye!

Cattie Mae.


End file.
